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meijer rules

|2005-01-26 | 10:10 p.m.|

I’ve been in a pretty sour mood all day. Nothing seems to have gone my way and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. The adage “when it rains it pours” comes to mind. About the only thing I successfully accomplished today was locking myself in my room…. I made coffee, too.

I spent the half the day all over town searching for a tool I needed, everyone carries but no one had. I was furious and at one time considered crashing my busted ride into someone or something, figuring it would take my mind off things.I walked into no less than 10 stores spanning 12 miles.

At about the 3rd store I started thinking about stealing things and I couldn’t help but think about the over zealous greeter I met a month or two ago at meijers. I went to buy something they didn’t have so on the way out I bought a candy bar, but put it in my coat pocket because I’m too embarrassed to eat candy in public. Not that I have insecurities about my weight or anything of that nature. More because I feel like candy is something parents buy their kids so they shut the fuck up and that’s as far as it goes.

As I got to the door I pulled it out to sneak a bite, but as soon as I started to tear the wrapper I was accosted by the greeter.

“Sir. Excuse me sir. Excuse me. I need to see a receipt for that.”

I smiled and asked her if she was serious because, well, I thought she was the greeter………. not security. Oh, but she was the greeter so I told her I threw it away, which was of course unacceptable. I’m not sure who was handing out carts and advertisements when she was busy trying to recuperate the fifty cents potentially pilfered from the multi-million dollar company on her watch but it must have been somebody.

“Who did you buy it from?”

I pointed and took a bite “Go ask.”

I actually think she attempted to grab my shirt and walk over to the register I purportedly bought the cany bar. “No, I have a better idea. I’ll sit here and eat the ‘stolen’ candy bar, while you go figure it out.”

I have to believe she knew I was fucking with her but she didn’t have it in her to say more. So, I did just that, but solely because I wanted to see if she cared enough. When she came back I told her to keep up the good work and gave her the thumbs up gesture.

I am still amazed. She was 5’5’’ maybe a buck fifteen. Like all greeters white hair, fake smile, porous bones and spinal curvature, the antithesis of a 25 yr old man. If she’s still alive I bet she’s been promoted and replaced by another rabid hag.

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